A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful."
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. My kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has never been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat then I am easy, fast, and cheap!!
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never ceased to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean -- eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next home will have no kitchen -- just vending machines.
13. If it walks out of the refrigerator, let it go.
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
Also works in Texas, Tennessee, Arkansas, and most other Southern states...
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."
Scientists who have been using rats in their scientific experiments have decided to use lawyers instead. They site three reasons: One, there are more of them. Two, they don't become as emotionally attached to lawyers as they do rats. And three, there are some things rats just won't do!
A man met a genie in the usual lamp-rubbing manner, and was granted one wish. "I want a highway from here to Hawaii," the man said.
"Think about how long the supports would be," the genie replied, "and how far the road would have to stretch. Isn't there something else you'd like?"
The man said, "Okay. I'd like to understand women."
The genie then said, "You want that highway with two lanes or four?"
Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't specially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go- fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly."Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."
On a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first aid."
She stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder."When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
If you speak three languages, you're trilingual. If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
The couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up he asks, " Why in the world are you undressed like this'?
" Well it's like this Sheriff... " says the cowboy, "I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her.... and I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt,..so I did....
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..So I did...
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I did...
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says: "Now go to town cowboy...."
A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. We're havin' a grand old time down below."
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.(USA)
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed o how to use it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy". "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd.
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain'tworth cooking, let alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the> local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, nd no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!"
Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England."
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..."
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy , shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child,I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
1. *AQUADEXTROUS* (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. *CARPERPETUATION* (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. *DISCONFECT* (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. *ELBONICS* (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. *FRUST* (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. *LACTOMANGULATION* (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. *PEPPIER* (peph ee ay') n.v The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. *PHONESIA* (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. *PUPKUS* (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. *TELECRASTINATION* (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for heart surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
Many years ago, Winston Churchill was visiting the United States. The first evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken entree and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr. Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat."
The following day, a thank you gift was delivered to the party's hostess with a large orchid. The following was written on the note which accompanied the gift:
< ALIGN="LEFT"> 1.) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[ True ] or [False ]
< ALIGN="LEFT"> 2.) Asphalt describes rectal problems.[ True ] or [ False ]
3.) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[ True ] or [ False ]
4.) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack
[ True ] or [ False ]
5.) The clitoris is a type of flower.
[ True ] or [ False ]
6.) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
7.) Semen is a term for sailors.
[ True ] or [ False ]
8.) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[ True ] or [ False ]
9.) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[ True ] or [ False ]
10.) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[ True ] or [ False ]
11.) KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[ True ] or [ False ]
12.) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[ True ] or [ False ]
13.) Coitus is a musical instrument.
[ True ] or [ False ]
14.) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[ True ] or [ False ]
15.) An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[ True ] or [ False ]
16.) A condom is a large apartment complex.
[ True ] or [ False ]
17.) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
[ True ] or [ False ]
18.) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[ True ] or [ False ]
19.) A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[ True ] or [ False ]
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]
21.) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[ True ] or [ False ]
22.) Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[ True ] or [ False ]
23.) Pornography is the business of making records.
[ True ] or [ False ]
24.) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[ True ] or [ False ]
25.) Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[ True ] or [ False ]
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" slurs the drunk.
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer."
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know,
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.